Monday, 24 December 2012

Christmas Special

"Union Crackers" : A special Christmas novelty item designed to disappoint your friends and neighbours.  Each cracker contains a depressing motto (examples include "there no more oil", "the English will bomb your airports", "show us your passport" and a recycled cliche).  Each cracker also includes an edible hat (eat before end 2014).


Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Gardening Department Special Offer

STRAW MEN

Last few remaining in stock

These top quality "straw men" really must go.  Straw Men have been best-sellers at the Scaremongers for many years and our customers love them. Multi-purpose and crafted from top quality man-made-up fibre.   The bottom of the "Straw Man" is carefully weighted with unsold copies of the Scottish Select Committee's report on separation so you can knock your "Straw Man" Down as often as you like and he will get right back up again.

All your favourite "Straw Men" are available including old favourites such as;
"Johnny English Passport Required"
"Admiral "I see no ships" McNelson"

£25.00 each (no euros )

Saturday, 27 October 2012

In our Clothing Department Now!!

'THE LAMENT' SHROUD-WAVING RANGE 
We've been making our highly sought after shrouds since 1707. Wear one of these and you'll instantly garner more unwarranted support for the unionist cause. This new line incorporates everything that any 'Bitter Together' British nationalist would want in the run-up to Salmond's break-up referendum:  

* Dull and shapeless, will suit any moribund unionist.

* Sleepwalk to the separation vote in our fetching raiment!  

* Fully biodegradable, guaranteed until autumn 2014.  

* Anas Sarwar says: "That's just not credible. I wouldn't be seen dead without one!"

* Media version available, as modelled by Alan Cochrane, Kaye Adams, Michael Kelly, Kirsty Wark, Tom Peterkin, Alf Young, Angus McLeod, Gordon Brewer, Lorraine Davidson, Magnus Gardham etc, etc. 

WAVE YOURS WITH PRIDE!!

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Joke shop special - just in!

Johann Lamont's Talking Pants. Amaze your friends and baffle your debating foes with these. She's been wearing hers regularly since taking over as leader and brings the House down at FMQs every week by confounding the whole chamber with wacky policy u-turns. Gales of laughter guaranteed!


Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Bargain Hunter Special - Don't miss out!

Remaindered Stock - tens of thousands of unused leaflets. Freshly printed low-quality monotone leaflets printed for a "weekend of action" but never distributed.  Suitable for many alternative uses such as animal bedding, home insulation, propping up wobbly furniture, firelighters, paper hats or aeroplanes (hours of fun for kids of all ages) etc, etc, etc. The list is endless.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Home & Furniture Department - More stock added!

* Our own brand Blackout Curtains (it is for you if you vote Yes). Drawbacks included as standard.

* Fully fitted 'Caledonia' Soup Kitchens: why bother travelling to one when you can have the very latest in separatist, economic depression chic in your own home? The perfect place for large gatherings of the newly unemployed!

* Slumbertown mattresses. While away those pointless post-separation days on one of these! After the inevitable run on the banks, store what's left of your savings in the special built-in stash pocket!

Bath and Shower Essentials:

Take two questions into the shower?  No more confusion with new 2-in-1 Union Ballot Shampoo and Conditioner*.  With our 2-in-1 you can vote NO TODAY and JAM TOMORROW in one visit.

* warning - may contain pre-conditions,  may cause disappointment.



Monday, 11 June 2012

New Stock Just In!

Dinnae Dae It Yersel Department

Circular Saws : make perfect self-serving cliches
Phillip (Hammond) Screwdrivers : Got a screw loose?   You need one of these.
Hammers : for moaning Scots of all types 


Classic Radio Shows coming back soon


I.T.M.A :  starring "Scotland's funny man" Michael Forsyth. "You'll Laugh - "You'll Cry"
The Navy Lark : Where have all the ships gone? 


Family Games

"Who Dares Wins" : Can you defend your oil platform against repeated waves of unidentified enemies?  

The Army Game : Define the size, equipment and configuration of Scotland's Armed Forces in one move or less against the clock - no conferring! (rules not included)


New DVDs

Twelve Angry Men : the 2012 remake starring Ian Davidson and the Scottish Affairs Select Committee members. Just like the original except that this time the jury all agree from the start!


Try Our New Travel Agency!

Summer 2012 : 

The Scandic Frown - Copenhagen, Stockholm, Oslo and Helsinki.
A tour of some of Europes most depressed capitals. See the truth of those so-called "facts" about the health, wealth and happiness of the Scandinavian Countries. Just how much better off would these small independent countries be if they were run by someone else? It'll make you think. (Note: no refunds)





                                     


Saturday, 5 May 2012

DVD classics

Films

'It's a Terrible Life' -

'Unpleasantville'

'Went the Day Badly?'

'Low Expectations'

'Greetin' in the Rain'

'Crash'

'Titanic'

'Brigadoom'

'Fright'



TV Series


Coronation Street 1963-2014 (better stock up - you'll not be able to watch it anymore in a separatist Scotland)


Breaking(-up) Bad


Our Political Collection 

'BBC Scotland's Big Deflates 2011-2014': hours of entertainment! It's all here - the timid  moderation, the robotic Labour trolls in the audience and their scripted questions, the creepy apologists for dependency. Unionism's last stand against the evil separatists. 

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Outdoor Activities Department

Walking Boots: note - not suitable for the 'long walk to freedom'.

Border Guard Jackboots - only a few pairs left!!


Prepare for the remote possibility of separation with our incredibly popular No-Man's Land all-in-one package. Save £££s! Everything you'll need to visit your granny in Carlisle: includes night vision goggles and wirecutters.

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Household Goods Department

Begging Bowls: "stock up before the rush"

"Lang" Spoons: perfect for separatist suppers

"Dogs Dinner" Commemorative Bowls: all purpose dishware with decorative handpainted extracts from the Scotland Bill

Oil Pourer: please note - oil increasingly unavailable separately

Large Stirring Spoon: "Use Again and Again"

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Welcome

NOW OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!!
(though the uncertainty may put you off)

With unfounded scare stories becoming a stock in trade for those opposed to Scottish independence I thought it might be time to open up a dedicated department store for the scaremongers and associated trades. Suggestions for new stock lines always welcome.

HOW TO FIND US: we're at the end of the Motorway with no exits.

Don't forget to visit the Wines and Spirits Department in the sub-basement - This week's specials:

Whiskies
* Glenfuddich - a favourite of the last leader of the Labour Group
* Mairdearer - uncertain what to buy?  Price yet to be confirmed.
* Glen Campbelly - sleekit smooth, since 1707.

Wines
* Rioch-a 1978 Reserva - full bodied, lots of promise but won't deliver
* Havernaesoberlong 2009 -  Appellation incontrol√©e. Lard Foulkes' favourite.
* Primitivo Scozzesi 2010 - a bit rough and unready. Almost drinkable.
* Chilly-an'-Red 2012. From the cloudy lowlands of Auld Scotia. Matured for 2 weeks in oak veneer barrels. Best left in the bottle.   

(Not very) Bubbly
* Chump-pain Chateau Lamont : vaguely reminiscent of the real thing but not very sparkling.
* Cochrane's Cava Escocesa Especial 2014 - Cordón Sanitario Negro
* Scozia Nasti Stewmante - loved by Conservatives across the land
* Davidson's Sekt-tae-boak - drown your sorrows with this!

Beers  
* Black Gold - Stocks running out fast!!
* Alan Cochrane's Crabbit Gingers' Beer
* Peterkin's Peely Wally FMQ Ale -  best drunk alone.
* McEuan's Import - a imbalance of payments special brew


Rum
* Darien Fire - our loss leader - snap it up! 
* Backwardi - one for future generations!

Soft drinks
* Scottish Water - to be sold off as soon as possible!
* Fantasiland - the Brigadoonists' favourite!
* Orange-aid - a real pick-me-up for vote-grubbing Lord Provosts! (ONLY available in Glasgow). 


In our Bargain Basement Book Sale, check out our Post-Separation Specials!!
* 'Scotland On A Shoestring' by God-on Brown - from He who saved the world - the only way to get about over-priced Scotland without losing the shirt off your back.  

* 'Alone-ly Planet', a visitor guide to Scotland by the widely travelled Sir Malcolm Rifkind of Carpetbagger. He's been everywhere!!
 

* 'Alex Hitler + Adolf Salmond - a Warning From History?' by G. 'Alienation of  Reason' Warner
 

* 'Too Wee, Too Poor, Too Stupid - Scotland and the Scots' by Lord McConnedusall of the Woolsack. A superb study of the country's globally unique inability to govern itself by the socialist peer (sic) and leading public pensions expert.
 

* 'Stone Dead'.  Co-written by P. Fraser & G. Robertson, this exciting study by the country's foremost authorities on the subject, sets out in stark detail how a newly Separate Scotland, though itself a member of the mutual defence alliance, would quickly be subject to NATO carpet bombing of its airports, hospitals, schools and other strategic targets - such as fields, country homes, hamlets, villages, towns and cities - to prevent Al Qaeda taking control. 


Remaindered books


* 'SNP accused!!!' by E. Barnes - a journalist's guide to impartial Scottish political reporting 
 
* 'The Slow Poison Shtick': a Unionist writer's guide to ubiquitous commentary, by DDT Torrance 
 
* 'Doomed, Doomed, I tell ye!'  by D. Fraser - an economic journalist's guide to a Separate 
Scotland 
 
* 'A Separate Scotland - Many Questions'  by experienced commentator A 'Alf  Baked'  Young - just 
why are the SNP refusing to tell us what interest rates will be in October 2017, or what time the 
Number 27 will leave St Andrew's Sqaure Bus Station on 15th of March 2048? How can they expect
voters to trust them??  
 
* 'They're Doing it on Purpose!' by Baron Fowkes o' Forelock - a political heavyweight's 
hard-hitting analysis of just why the Independence Separatist movement has been so successful 
and how to undermine it. 
 
Our Burns' Anthology (revised)
* The Tree of Slavery
* The Brigands of Ayr
* Scots Wha Havnae
* A Nightmare
* The Lack O' Vision
* The Banks O' Doom
* Is there for Dishonest Poverty 
* Address to the IMF
  
Our Shakespeare Classics
* As You Dinnie Like It
* Loves Labours Lost (the plot)
* The Tragedy o' CorrieNaeFurUs
* Timid Of Athens (of the North)
* Toil-us and Crisisda 

* The Comedy Of Errors
* The Two Ignoble Clansmen
* The Tempest
   
Assorted goods 


* Cunningham brand super soft voters' (loo) roll - 40% discount.
* Ordurance Survey maps of Shit Creek (paddle not included)
* Michelle Moan 'Disaster bras' - more let-down than uplift. Only a few left in 
stock (clearance items - reason: business moving abroad in late Autumn 2014).
* One-way discount ticket to Oblivion in our travel shop
 
Pharmacy

* Avoid sleepwalking to separation with our Matchsticks range of stimulant drugs. 
* Value Sticking Plasters - favoured by Scotland's finest economists.  (Sold out)

* Suffering pre-separation indigestion? Try WRennie's LibDem tablets to calm your nerves by removing any unwanted political radicalism from your life.